What the hell
I just found out that some point in his sleep, my uncle had died.
And I'm more upset that I'm not upset about his passing. I think the only emotion I have in reaction is... dumbfounded.
Some may have read this in a rant I made a while ago but Let me tell you a story. In may of 2006 my cousin had committed suicide. When I heard this I felt as if the world Just zoomed in on me. I wasn't really close to him, heck I tend to forget his name and he's only a cousin by marriage on my dad's side of the family. I was watching spider monkeys for a class at the time and one of them looked at me, in a way of maybe acknowledgment that I was suddenly unhappy. Also at this time I had a boyfriend. I told him, he comfort me like any couple would do.
Then time moves on and I've gotten news that my Grandma (my dad's biological mom) had cancer and was getting treatment and of course there where ups and downs... technically she had beaten the cancer but the medicines where too strong. I was told she wasn't doing well and throughout the day kept sending mental messages to her to stay strong and pull through. That night as I lay in bed I kept imagining her ghost appearing to me and apologizing that she couldn't stay strong and she was saying her goodbyes. Personally I thought it was just my overly imagining brain trying to screw with me in a sense to put me down. It does that from time to time and I have learned to tell it to shut up... the Next day I get the call, during the night right before my dad was able to see her, my grandma passes on. I'm unsure if the times where exactly at the same moment, given that there is a 3 hour difference between where she was and where I was but I'm almost positively sure of it being at the time of her death. I was with some friends and my at the time boyfriend when I heard the news and was able to not break down and they comforted me... My boyfriend took me to his dorm room, comforted me and let me have an ale even though I was still slightly underage. Time again goes on...
Next bad even happened was the big break up. On new years, evening, of 2007... Heart breaking and all that jazz but eventually I moved on and we are still friends which is all good. In a sense I feel that this somewhat belongs and began having this as the 'time of sadness/heartache' that I began calling it around that point.
Then 2007 summer comes along and I keep hearing of how my grandpa (my dad's father) wasn't doing so well. Having heart problems and the sort. His condition also took on the lovely roller coaster of better and worse. I then proceed to move into an Apartment with 2 friends. I begin work and continue to get updates from the family. One day on my way home from a good day of work, I randomly got this urge to cry.... being in public I force it back but thinking of it as weird. I go home begin to relax, one of my roommates begins to talk to me, everything is fine and dandy. Then the call comes... my grandpa had just passed away. I was struck... I told my roommates and they comfort me and I asked that the one that was originally talking to me to hang out with me... I needed someone around so that I didn't cry...
Not a couple weeks later does my friend, one of my housemate's girlfriends come rushing in, distraught, having just learned that her mother had died that night from an asthma attack.... I love this girl as a friend she has to be one of the strongest spirits I have known and to see her like that, hit a cord... My body has this thing of being somewhat of an emotional sponge where if there is a heavy emotion around I will absorb it and be affected by it. I think it turns on and off on its own or something like that but its something I am aware of of myself. I took in her grief and wound up when no one was looking throwing a pillow in an attempt to lower this feeling... She is getting better and continuing with her life hand in hand with my house mate. (I'm still entertained that my house mate is one of my best friends boyfriends.)
Now as you know its 2008... so close to a year has gone by without a death. Some worries about my Grandmother (basicly my dad's 'stepmom' though I doubt anyone ever thinks of her that way) since she has had her share of health problems and with my Mammy Lally (my mom's mom... we've always called her that as kids and still do...) who is diabetic and has back problems and keeps having stupid doctors, but they are still alive and doing well (if your wondering about my mom's dad, he has never been counted, since 1) he was a horrible man, 2)never met the guy and never thought of him as a grandfather and glad about it.. I think he gone too, not too sure). I have been having fun, making new friends, struggling with work, money, finding a new job while hatting my current (ONE shift a week doesn't pay squat), and just plain out living life and figuring that this 'time of sadness' has pasted... It really seemed like it had.
Until today... I get a call from my sister asking if my parents have called, I told her no, asked why (thinking she was in trouble) and she wouldn't tell me, just let me know that they would call... not 5 minutes after arriving home (hours later) and began to prepare a dinner of leftovers (yay poor college student meals) my mom calls and informs me of my Uncle's death. My Uncle being My dad's older brother. I wasn't really struck like the others.. I was more worried about my dad, you can see why if you noticed the pattern... they have all been on his side of the family and in his immediate family... Blood wise, he now only has his sister... Non-blood wise you add my grandma and maybe her children (though we are not that close to them, just very close with my grandma).
I don't think I was too close to my uncle. I knew him all my life and out of all the deaths I have been able to see him recently, as in during my last break a couple weeks ago. while with everyone else who had passed I haven't seen in years. My uncle was marked as the black sheep of my dad's family, He wasn't a healthy person both in lifestyle and mentally. He had been one of the thorns in the side of my parent's marriage on occasion especially when my dad asked him to move to our area to be closer and away from bad memories after the last of the deaths. He has scared my mom for the safety of me and my siblings, me being a witnessing an explosion event when he yelled at my brother (he'd been encouraging my little brother to hit him like a man but when my brother came up to him out of the blue and accidentally poked him in the eye, he started yelling and stuff, though nothing violent thank goodness). And he once came over to my sister claiming he had a massive headach and asking her if she had a gun he could us. Plus in the past, especially after his divorce, he had literally disappeared off the face of the planet with noooo way of contact.
I did respect him as an Uncle anyways, Giving him a hug in greetings and leavings, listening to him ramble and stuff. The good things I remember are mostly from childhood, whenever he would visit he'd almost always had two Hershey chocolate bars to give to both me and my sister (brothers being not born yet) before hang out with my dad in the room, door locked so they can smoke.... and a little quirk where whenever him or my dad gave me a playful bop on the head I'd always exclaimed 'Hey!' and they nicknamed it the 'Hey button'... kinda about it... He did raise 3 of my cousin who I was pretty close with as I grew up and they are alright people. One of his kids was 2 years older then me and at a certain point we seemed to have a battle of height, of which I won.
....
With both of my grandparents deaths I felt the 'moment' of their passing before being told of it... the imagination of the ghost and the random feeling of needing to cry... It boggles me to the point where I somewhat think I'm Physic which is both cool and not soo cool and I'm not willing to really test out this theory all that much, especially the death part. With my cousin I wasn't all that close to as I had mentions. The reason I'm restating this is that I'm kinda not sure if I sensed my uncle's passing or not... I would have been asleep when he passed and the only significant thing that I know of is that I randomly woke up half an hour before my alarm... It could have been that as the sign, even though I have done it before especially since I have been going to sleep late, waking up early for classes so my body must be somewhat use to doing that though it hates that I do it. Fanfiction is my current drug... ^.^;
After hearing from my mom of my uncle's passing and hanging up with her my first thoughts where of my dad... mostly that I want him to get healthy... to stop smoking, to eat healthier since he's diabetic... Even having him go to the Gym or something. Just want him to live a long life...
Technically I should also try to strive to being healthier since the threat of getting diabetes is strong for me, its on both sides of my family and I tend to eat quite a bit of Junk, though I do eat real meals when I can, along with a salad here and there (especially when I can afford it) and I take some PE classes every semester currently having a step, sculpt and strength (think those aerobic videos)...
If you did notice this other pattern, even though it had sadden me that someone had passed, I haven't really cried, I was just down. Personally, I don't like crying. Never have for I feel like 1) can't exactly breath, almost like I'm hyperventilating... 2) Soooo much snot, I have to deal with enough with my allergies... 3) I get terribly thirsty which lead to once I can breath chugging of water 4) In most cases, I tend to bash myself mentally making it worst.... 5) I just don't like how I look when crying... *sweatdrop* I especially won't do it in public and find that I can also pull strength from having friends nearby. The only exception is when I get my eyebrows wax and my eyes feel like reacting to that -.- and that one time I broke down over being too darn tired. Any other times I had cried I am generally alone.
Sorry for this being extremely long... The main thing I think that I'm trying to pull out of this is that I want this string of deaths to finally end. 2 years with 4 family deaths and a friend's family death and the death of a relationship is just not cool and is just too much. I don't think this is Karma cause I never purposely try to hurt anyone... If its a high powered spirit trying to toy with me, whether it be Loki, God, Bob the gay god of love and shoes, or etc.. can't you move on to something else for your personal entertainment (not meant to be offensive to any religion, no bashing -.-) and if its fate, please change.
thanks for all who read... Cookies, ice cream and a river of chocolate for all... Mostly just wanted to let this out..
Another one gone
Unhappy
